What Advice Would I Give My Younger Self?

What advice would I give my younger self?

Man, that's a hard one.

I've been trying to answer that question ever since Baz Luhrmann came out with the song "Everybody's Free" in 1999. I still don't know what I'd tell my younger self in regards to life to prepare myself for the future. Maybe that's as it should be. I probably wouldn't have listened to myself anyway. My life has been a journey of ups and downs, failures and successes, surprises of all kinds. And not knowing has always been half the fun. Overall, I have nothing to complain about.

Today, however, A Girl And A Gun challenged those on her facebook page to reveal what they would tell their younger selves in relation to self defense.

That, I can do!

It's a narrow enough scope that I can pinpoint specific areas where I could have been better prepared to face the evils of life.

The original challenge was "what would you tell your 20 year-old self?" Well, I'd have to go a lot younger than that to really do much difference in the scope of protecting myself or preventing some of the worst tragedies in my life.

How young? That's a tough one, too.

I decided to look at it from the perspective of a mother. I look at my two sons and my daughter and I think, "When should I start teaching them these lessons?"

The answer is now!

So, if I could go back in time and teach my younger self some self defense lessons I'd go back to the times of a little girl who was terrified of flushing toilets, learning how to tie her shoes, how to write the number "4" and stealing her mother's high heels out of the closet to wear around the house and these are the things I would tell her:

- It's okay to say, "No!" 
In fact, you need to say no. You need to have boundaries and it's good to have boundaries. People who don't respect your boundaries aren't people you should have in your life.

- Your body is your own. PERIOD!
With EXCEPTIONALLY few exceptions, no one has the right to touch you, hold you or ask you to do something with your body that you don't want to do. You don't owe anyone your body.

- Your parents are wrong.
A lot of society will be wrong, too. They will tell you things like, "You are safe here," "This person is okay," "Stay in public places. The public will protect you," "Good girls don't hit." It's confusing, I know, when people you trust tell you things they believe to be true and they turn out to be wrong. It doesn't mean they don't love you, it means they were human. You'll have to learn to discern the truth for yourself and that's where your own instincts, life experience and feelings will have to come in.

- Listen to your instinct.
When that inner voice says, "Something's not right," listen to it. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. Don't let other people downplay your feelings or talk you out of them. You're having those feelings for a reason. But here's a newsflash for you, sweety, you'll be wrong from time-to-time, too.

- It's okay to be angry. 
There are people who waste their lives on anger. They are consumed by it and use it for minor issues where it has no place or they use it disproportionately to the offense. Or they dwell in it, wallowing in it in misplaced comfort and failing to use it as the tool of action it should be. There are also people who never use anger for fear of it. They allow people to misuse them and abuse them and never get angry enough to change their situation.

Don't be either one of those people. Don't misuse or neglect anger. Don't be afraid of it, either.

Anger is a tool of action when you have suffered a legitimate hurt or injustice. Get angry--even if you need to get angry at someone you love. Use that anger to cut through the fear, the societal norms, the lies you've been told about how you or a "good girl" should act. Use it to give you the courage to act, to stand up for yourself, to do something about your situation. If you need to, use that anger to act immediately to save yourself. If it's after the fact, use that anger to give you courage to seek help. Learn to use it appropriately and to the right degree. Then, learn to put that anger away. As useful of a tool as it can be, it will destroy you and your relationships with those you love if you overuse it.

- Learn to hit.
Despite what you've been told, good girls DO hit. They hit hard and in the right way and at the right time. Be a good girl. Learn to hit!

- Get strong.
Seriously! Do it now. Lift weights. Screw running! Your life and the defense thereof will be way easier the younger you do this and the better you maintain it. You'll probably save yourself a lot of aches and pains and open up a lot more opportunities for yourself, too.

- Don't mistake your skill or defensive tool as a talisman.
I know you won't, but here's a reminder anyway. As you get older you will learn the hard lesson that there is no magic talisman against evil. Saving yourself will mean hard work. It will mean exercising your boundaries, your anger, your common sense, instincts, avoidance and learning proficiency with whatever tool or discipline you choose (Hint: choose as many as you can and take time working them all when you can). It will mean working that tool or discipline as regularly as you can which will demand money and time. You will need to keep working those tools and skills and it will become a part of who you are but it won't define you and it shouldn't. Avoiding or defeating evil is a tiny, TINY part of what will make up your life and the joys therein (as it should be), but that doesn't mean you should neglect developing and maintaining your skills in that area.

No one is as devoted or available to defend yourself as you are. You need to be in a condition--physically, mentally, skillfully--to do the fighting for yourself.

- Not everyone is out to get you.
There will be people you trust who will betray you. They will hurt you. They will make you question everything you thought you knew about life, love, trust and who you are. You won't be right about everyone and you will be hurt. Sometimes more than others. Sometimes just emotionally, sometimes physically. But there are other people who do love you. They legitimately want to help, encourage and support you. They won't test your boundaries, instead they will help you build new, stronger ones. They will love you. Rest securely in the love of those people. Seek out those people. Appreciate them, as I know you will. It will be your relationships with those people and the people you meet (and even create with a special someone down the road) that will make it all worth it in the end.

Rangemaster Tactical Conference 2014

Every year Tom Givens puts on a conference in Memphis, TN, at his facility. It is called the Rangemaster Tactical Conference. It consists of three days of instruction by top instructors in the firearms and self defense community. At any given time there can be three to five instructors presenting on any number of topics related to self defense, particularly with a firearm. Most instruction blocks are two hours in length but from time to time and with an important enough topic it's not unheard of to see a whole four-hour block dedicated to one instructor and his information.

After years of hearing great things coming out of the conference we finally made it a priority to attend this year.

The Conference was held on Feb 21-23 and the hardest part was deciding which instruction blocks to attend vs the others.

My schedule started with Shane Gosa, instructor with CQB Services International, talking about The Mental Trigger. This entire two-hour block was largely centered around mindset. Shane had a unique perspective on Jeff Cooper's color codes of awareness, how they were intended to be used and how to apply them to daily life. We did one group visualization technique, discussed mental barriers and the aftermath of violent encounters and finished up with a training exercise on what Shane called, "Accessing State." The exercise is meant to train the mind and body to work together and to limit or completely eliminate the freeze response and allow for a faster and more efficient aggressive, defensive or offensive response. Not only did it address turning the aggression on, immediately, but also turning it off (often the hardest and most damning part of self defense). The lecture concluded with a discussion on winning vs survival, the importance of combat breathing and other tips on getting the most out of training sessions.

Next was Kathy Jackson, author and instructor for Cornered Cat. Her lecture was very bluntly titled "What Women Want" and centered around getting more women to attend professional firearms and self defense training. She opened with statistics about how many women were getting their carry permits and buying guns compared to men (hint, it's a lot more women than you think) and on the high note she dashed us down by showing the number of women who attend regular training past the basic carry class (hint, it's way less women than you'd hope). She drew parallels from other male-dominated fields and how they have fought to retain women. Her discussion on how women often feel in the firearms community (and other male-dominated fields) left my mouth agape in it's accuracy at how I have often felt. She then held back nothing as she talked about some of the common flaws in firearms training that set women up for failure or at least for being undermined in the industry. She slaughtered a few sacred cows (which I was gleeful to see butchered (there were at least two times I literally almost clapped)) and moved on to the best strategies for encouraging women. She was very frank that if you are going to teach women you have to be okay talking about and at least have a working idea of some women's issues like drawing around big breasts, discussing bra or thigh holsters, or even being able to address long fingernails and how it relates to shooting. In short, if you want women to come to your classes, you need to make them feel like they belong in a human space vs feeling like they are guests in a man's house.

After lunch I was off to Jim Higginbotham, a former instructor at Gunsite, from Riposte Training. His lecture was called "Fire for Effect" and entirely centered on how the body reacts to gunfire and how bullets may (or may not) physically stop a determined attacker. He discussed the factors that influence incapacitation, how one should train to maximize the effectiveness of their shots if they are needed and what physically needs to be achieved in order to stop a determined attacker instantly, rapidly or marginally. He addressed head-on the growing concept that it's better to spread your shots around vs making tight groups and how ineffective that can be. He addressed the issue of training scars developed through targets with poorly defined targeting zones and concluded with practice tips on improving ability to make better incapacitating shots.

My last class on Friday was Chuck Haggard, a former SWAT officer and current supervisory officer in Kansas. I had the privilege to meet Chuck at the Rangemaster Instructor Development class in September and we've kept in touch ever since. His block of instruction was on Active Shooters/Terrorist Events. Chuck has been personally involved in two active shooter events and his unique perspective was insightful when going through some of the information. A good majority of the class was going over many of the major active shooter events and discussing the tactics used by law enforcement and what worked and what didn't as far as slowing or stopping the events. He talked about what motivates active shooters and what civilians can do to better prepare for an active shooter event.

Saturday morning started with a four-hour block of instruction by John Hearne; a Rangemaster instructor, federal law enforcement officer and self-proclaimed research geek; called "Performance Under Fire." He gave the four-hour version of an eight-hour class and if I ever get the chance to take it in more depth you will find me there. A long-held belief is that humans are predestined to become quivering masses of unpredictable goo when confronted with traumatic events. John's lecture went over the brain, how it works and functions with other body systems to respond to emergencies, why it is conditioned to do what it does under stress and how it can be optimized to respond better or entirely differently. He explained the difference between the neocortex and limbic system and their roles in traumatic events and how to keep the neocortex in control. He defined what it meant to be untrained, to have learned a skill and what was an overlearned skill. My favorite part of his lecture was what he called the "Sacred Cow Slaughterhouse" that took on the concepts of heart-rate being a key factor in performance, the idea that a "natural" response is somehow superior vs an overlearned response, the famed "startle-response" we all train to start from, the supposed innate aversion we are said to have against killing other humans, and whether or not we really do loose our ability to perform fine motor skills and see something as small as a front sight when fighting for our lives. He concluded his lecture with training tips and tips for instructors on how to maximize student learning. All-in-all a very intensive and eye-opening block of instruction.

And from there I stood in line for twenty minutes waiting to attend Craig Douglas' workshop on Managing Unknown Contacts. Craig Douglas is often known through his former screen name "Southnarc." As his handle would suggest, he was an undercover narcotics officer who has since retired and started his own training company called shivworks. The man has a stellar reputation in the training community that is well-deserved. Many of his techniques were developed directly from his own experience interacting on a regular basis with the criminal element. The workshop was based around the simple premise that you are being approached by an unknown individual. You need to decide whether or not this individual is a potential threat with enough time and/or distance to do something about it if it turns out this individual means you harm. We spent most of the instruction block working his three-part interaction system of Verbalizing, Moving and preparing your Hands for action. He then went over four of the most common pre-fight indicators and we practiced identifying them in class. Lastly, we talked about what to do if we are still unsure of the genuine intent of an individual but decide we want to help them vs shutting them down. This was mostly a live-action class worked with other partners and a great exercise in staying relatively safe while deciding if someone is a legitimate threat or not.

My final Saturday class was Skip Gochenour, a retired police investigator who specialized in homicides and helped prepare cases for trial. Skip's lecture was titled "Problem Two: On Trial." In other words, you've survived a lethal encounter (problem one) but now you are being charged with a crime (typically some form of homicide). He opened his lecture with some pretty harsh facts about the law and legal system, the hardest to accept by your average gun-totter being that the truth has absolutely no relevance in a court of law. If a question cannot be clearly answered by the evidence it is what is considered "a jury question" at which point a prosecutor and defense attorney will both make a case on how they interpret the evidence and the jury makes a declaration and what they believe the evidence likely indicates what happened. He went over a lot of history of our legal system and broke down what four main questions a prosecutor will ask in order to determine whether or not someone acted in self defense. He then moved on to what criteria the jury will look at as to whether or not they will convict (or acquit) someone of the various degrees of murder. One of the quotes of the class that particularly resonated with me was, "When you decide you will take on problem one you agree to accept the bill and pay for problem two no matter what the cost." Be that emotional, financial, physical, legal or in prison. A sobering reminder of the responsibilities involved in carrying a firearm.

Sunday morning opened with Cecil Burch, a career martial artist and instructor. His block of instruction was titled Immediate Action in Extreme Close Quarters. In short, you've just been taken by surprise in a violent attack and you can't get to or don't have a gun. What do you do? This was another live-action workshop and we spent much of it on our feet working with partners to protect our most vital area (the head) and work on switching from a defensive posture to an offensive one and gaining ground to either fight, access tools or flee.

Next I attended Tom Givens' Active Shooter lecture. His lecture differed from Chuck's in that he did not spend a lot of time discussing individual cases but rather patterns across many active shooter events. He went over a lot of information that is already known in the community such as the fact that most active shooter events happen in gun-free zones, a large portion of them being schools, and that the shooters tend to be lone, white males with one gun. He went over the phases of an active shooter from fantasy all the way to the shooting and how the best time to stop an active shooting is in the planning or preparation stage. He discussed the difference in outcomes with civilian's have responded to active shooters vs law enforcement with the results being in favor of a civilian response. Lastly, he talked about what to do if caught up in an active shooter event and wrapped it up with an admonition to be armed and fight for abolition of gun-free zones.

After lunch was William Aprill's lecture titled, "Fatal Choices." William Aprill is a psychologist who works with criminals in a law enforcement capacity and a brilliant speaker. His lecture was primarily about what makes a criminal pick a particular individual to victimize. His initial task was to distinguish between those who are targeted and those who are victimized. Anyone can be targeted but only a portion of those are actually chosen to be victimized and that comes down to a criminal deciding whether or not that target is a "go" or "no go." How does he make the decision? William went into depth about what is called "thin-slicing" and it's connection to the intuitive mind that allows us to make instant and more-often accurate decisions about people based on very limited, external data. Facial expressions, gait, appearance, even the amount of multi-tasking we seem to be taking on in a particular moment, can all be factors in what makes a criminal decide whether or not to victimize a particular target. He talked about what we can do to lower our chances of being targeted in the first place or even "deselected" as a "go." Of all of the presentations at the conference, it was William's that fascinated me the most and has made me want to research much more into the topics of thin-slicing and how it relates to criminal choice.

Finally, when I thought I could cram no more into my little brain I sat down in Greg Ellifritz's "Armed Citizen Response to Terrorist Bombings." Anyone who has followed my blog for any length of time has seen Greg's name before. He's one of my favorite instructors and this is my third class with him. He's the author and lead instructor for Active Response Training. He holds more instructor certifications than I care to list at the moment and his topic of the day was bombs. He went over what they are, how they work, how we might be able to identify them and how they are being used by terrorists and active shooters. After pretty much letting us all in on the terrifying reality that there's not much you can do about a bomb he dampened the mood even further by alerting us to the fact that most active shooter/terrorist bombs are homemade and unstable and it's not even a safe bet to try to shoot someone, even if you are 100% sure he has a bomb. If you choose to do so you're doing so with the expectation that you're going to die and generally not going to stop the bomb from going off anyway given the instability of the device, handlers who will set it off anyway, timers, or a hit to the device that triggers it early. He did try to end it on an upbeat note by assuming if we were involved in a bombing we were far enough away or able to get to cover quickly enough to survive. He talked about steps to take to identify secondary devices, how to manage other survivors of the blast and then talked about relative safe distances and cover from certain sizes of devices (which can vary depending on device).

On that happy note we piled in our car, went for some good bbq and just about crashed in an information-overload coma.

These were only the classes I was able to attend. There were so many more I missed and am disappointed for it.

I got to meet some of my heroes and other top-name instructors, got to network with some great people and trainers, meet some of the people who have followed me for years and generally rub shoulders with some great, like-minded individuals.

In addition to the instruction, there is an ongoing pistol match which I shot on Saturday night and learned later that out of 129 shooters I came in 22. To say I was pleased would be an understatement.

I'm not done processing the information from the conference and I fully expect to write more in depth thoughts on several of the training blocks I attended, but for now, I'll leave you all with the admonition that if you can even remotely conceive of going to a Tactical Conference you should do so!

I plan on returning often! I hope to see you there!

Looking For Nails

There's an old saying in the gun training industry that says, "If all you carry is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." The implication being that if your only option for self defense is a gun you will start to see shooting solutions to no-shoot problems. 

When I started out on my self-defense journey I had no clear idea of what a lethal force situation looked like. Yeah, I could make an educated guess that someone who was raping me or stabbing or shooting me was probably worth shooting but when we got into discussions of disparity of force and the legalities of using lethal force against someone or multiple someones who were unarmed I was a bit confused. As it was better explained to me I was actually surprised that lethal force may be used in many "weaponless" or bare-handed situations.

One could argue whether or not anyone gets a true grasp of all the dynamics involved in a true lethal force situation. I continue to study it regularly but don't claim to have any mastery of the topic. There are those who seem to understand it better than others but for the most part we all can grasp the general principles of deadly force and how that relates to reasonable suspicion of death or great bodily harm.

As scenarios are presented to students they start to try to evaluate whether or not lethal force is justified based on those principles and understanding.

All of a sudden, the man getting beaten may have a legitimate claim for use of deadly force if there's a sudden change in disparity of force. The woman being chased; the big, burly guy getting cornered by two other big, burly guys; the older man with a cane getting robbed by the younger, stronger man; the untrained civilian being decimated by the boxing champion all might find themselves in real and dangerous lethal force scenarios.

These students start to identify the legitimate nails that need hammering. And before they know it they are chiming in on discussions of nails, critiquing this nail vs that nail and the best hammers to apply to certain nails and how many times those nails should be hit, where they should be hit, at what angle they should be hit, etc.

Over the last weekend I attended the Rangemaster Tactical Conference. I was set to swim through a veritable sea of the most relevant and up-to-date information one can hope to obtain in the training, shooting and self defense industry. I also had the unique privilege to talk to and sit under some of the top names in the business. These people have dedicated their lives to training, self defense, the legalities and psychology surrounding it and have the experience, skill and expertise to not only have an opinion but to pass on their vast knowledge to the rest of us.

A reoccurring theme that popped up in discussion with many of these instructors was the fact that people are identifying way too many nails. They are practically obsessed with nails.

These people aren't emphasizing or practicing deselection techniques (if they are aware they exist). They aren't practicing good avoidance. They know nothing or seek out almost no knowledge on deescalation, social and verbal dynamics of dealing with potentially dangerous people and have no (or do not seek out) hand-to-hand or less-than-lethal skills and options. They know nothing about articulation and the actual legalities surrounding defensive shootings (outside of the basics) or the true cost of what the lack of all of those things might mean.

But by-golly you will find them at the range practicing their draw-stroke every Saturday. They are training at every known shooting school they can attend and the top competitors in pistol matches. They can do a sub-second magazine reloads one-handed. They will practice that 10 yard head-shot on that hostage target until they can't miss. They will argue until they are blue in the face about how justified they were at using their hammer in any number of self-defense situations and are top commentators on seven different pistol forums and facebook discussion groups.

I used to think it wasn't bad or that maybe I was missing something. I used to think that most people, given other options, would choose wisely. When someone would ask me to chime in on a self-defense scenario, I'd read all the "just shoot him" comments and cringe. Another would send me an article about this questionable "self-defense" shooting or that one or another or another and I would wonder what made those individuals think the gun was the best option.

I thought that this was was the fringe element. Surely, most of us can see a nail as needing a hammer and a screw as needing a screwdriver, right (not to mention identifying a flat-head from a phillips)?

Then I saw the results from Craig Douglas' force-on-force (FOF) scenario. I didn't even participate and the information frightened me. The scenario had a no-shoot solution and yet a gun was fired 10 out of 12 times and it was reported to me that those results were "about average." I've been in FOF scenarios before and understand how difficult they can be to think through. And the reason we do FOF is to construct a safe place to make mistakes. I can't say I would have fared any better. But if you aren't at least concerned by this data than I'm even more worried.

Later I visited a self-defense focused facebook page and commented on a scenario taken from a surveillance video of an altercation between one man and other that resulted in the first being hit a number of times (he never lost consciousness, they exchanged a few words throughout the course of the fight and both individuals eventually walked away). I said didn't think the scenario as it was warranted lethal force. I could have been wrong, I'm okay with that. But I was told my "attitude was what is wrong with society."

Over and over again in self-defense related discussions it is becoming more and more acceptable to proclaim lethal force as an only, early or at least earlier option. And those who are standing up to say it's not are being accused as fools.

After reading those results of the FOF scenario and seeing the trend in discussion groups I started  talking to other instructors about the importance of FOF training. I wondered if it might be time to start training people to identify no-shoot scenarios instead of having them identify shoot scenarios.

One of the responses I got was, "That sounds about right. Otherwise we are training them to look for the nail."

That statement had a huge impact on me as both a civilian carrying a gun and as an instructor teaching individuals to use a gun. Have I been trained to look for nails? Have I been training people to look for nails? Given certain scenarios am I able to identify other options quick enough to avoid having to go to the gun? Do I have the skill to use those other options effectively? Am I communicating to my students the importance--no, the NECESSITY--of having other options besides the gun?
 
Don't get me wrong. As someone who has experienced a violent crime I am an advocate for lethal force. People should shoot when there is a need. They should be able to recognize that need and be able to articulate it. They should have the right to defend themselves with lethal force and be able to delivery it swiftly and aggressively. They should be skilled in the use of deadly force and ready and able to use it effectively.

But they should also be able to identify when it is not needed.

As my Krav instructor once said, "The hard part isn't teaching people how to turn the aggression on. It's teaching them how to turn if off."

Yes, we need to teach people and/or learn to identify those nails. But after that it might be time to start learning how to identify screws and wires, paint and thread and the appropriate tools for those jobs.

Maybe instead of asking, "Would you shoot in this scenario?" we should be asking, "What would you do to keep from having to shoot in this scenario?"

Maybe instead of constructing all of our FOF scenarios to have gun solutions, we should be constructing far more of them to have no-shoot solutions.

Instead of lauding good shoot news articles on our facebook pages we should be praising scenarios that ended with no shots fired or less-than-lethal force.

Maybe as students of self-defense we should put more time into seeking out no-shoot solutions instead of concentrating so much on the shooting part.

The gun is a good tool. It's the best option in many encounters. But it's just a gun. It's not the only option, nor should it be.

Be able to identify a nail for what it is. But stop looking for them.

"Can't" And All The Lies It Tells

"I can't...."

One of the most self-defeating phrases in the English language. Probably also one of the first learned and most often spoken as well.

And if people aren't proclaiming their own self-made limitations they are busy projecting them on others.

"You can't...."

We know that "can't" is lie. Still we claim it as truth in our own lives and force it on others with a ferocity that can range from benign to flat-out criminal.

Time and time again we've seen the lie that is "can't" be exposed for the facade it is...

You can't travel faster than the speed of sound. 

You can't travel outside of earth's atmosphere.

You can't run a mile faster than four minutes.

Even though we know, now, that given the right time, about of knowledge, skill, tools and motivation darned near anything is possible, people insist on limiting so much...

I can't be happy.

I can't find love.

I can't get that promotion. 

I can't get cancer.

I can't be in an abusive relationship.

I can't watch my family be murdered before my eyes.

That took a dark turn, didn't it?

The act of throwing up a middle finger to "can't" and telling it to copulate with itself is not limited to the positive things we want in life.

"Can't" is as much of a lie when you are denying an ugly reality as it is when you are denying a positive opportunity.

And yet, I see this type of "can't" being propagated in the self defense community. I see if every day in the comments I read on Facebook and YouTube and blog posts all over the internet.

"You can't let him get that close to you."

"You can't let it get that far."

"You can't let someone pull a knife on you."

I've got some really bad news for you: YOU FUCKING CAN!

You may not want to. You may do everything to avoid it. But it can happen. And it can happen to YOU!

And now that it has happened, what are you going to do about it?

Some people respond, having seen you work your hardest to prepare for those worst-case scenarios, by throwing in an extra bushel of "can't" for your dying pleasure.

"You can't get out of that hold."  

"You can't hold, draw, shoot, load, etc your gun like that."

"You can't defend against that."

"You can't work that technique."

"You can't survive that."

Well, I'm certainly going to try!

I prepare for the worst-case. I don't believe that carrying a gun and a pocket knife renders me perfectly prepared to combat any foe. I don't live in a fantasy world that makes me believe I can't be taken by surprise or ambushed. I don't believe I can keep every bad person out there at a twenty-one foot distance from me. I don't believe I will be able to perfectly perform every defensive technique I've ever learned at any given time. I'm preparing for the possibility that I might panic, freeze, forget, be sick, distracted, exhausted, afraid but so damned trained I will at least do SOMETHING to the best of my ability to survive.

I've experienced some of the ugliest truth of what CAN happen to me and I've lived through it all to the end that I work my ass off to be as prepared as I can be should I have to face it again.

I share what I do with others so that I might be able to track my progress, be inspired and motivated by those more prepared than me and maybe inspire others to abandon the lies of "can't" in their own lives for both the good and the bad.

Some use that openness on my part as a chisel to try to break apart my own efforts and training. They try to tell me what I'm doing isn't effective or won't work or isn't good enough. They may be right. They may be wrong. But one thing I know to be a fact is that I'm out there doing the work. I'm learning. I'm putting forth the effort. I do what I can do in a way that won't cripple myself or those I train with. Sometimes I do well. Sometimes I get my ass kicked. But always I am learning and working to be that much better, quicker, and fiercer than anyone who might try to harm me. I may never be bigger or stronger but I believe I can train until I can outsmart, outmaneuver or just plain outbluff or outluck someone who thinks they can harm me or mine. 

And so I ask... What the hell are you doing?

If you're out there working beside me and doing what you can do in the limits of your own time, money and life, then bravo! We're on this road together.

So many are still hiding behind the mask of, "That can't happen to me." And not all of them are anti-gun idealists either. Some carry guns and hold on to them like magic talismans disbelieving that anyone could get through their "situational awareness." Their eyes are blinded to the dark possibilities of the world. They stand proud and secure in their own illusion of what can't possibly happen but does every day. And still others look at people like me and find nothing better to do than project more negativity because, surely, the little woman can't beat the big guy.

Shit happens. It can happen to you. The bad guy can get to you. And sometimes the little gal can win.

Woman Shoots Herself In Hand At Staples

I was sent THIS STORY by a Facebook follower who wanted to get my take on it.

First let me say that I trust news reports just about as far as I can throw them when it comes to details. That being said, we know a few things to be fact:

1) A woman and her toddler were shopping for school supplies at Staples in North Carolina.
2) The woman had a carry permit and her gun was in her purse.
3) She ended up shooting herself in the hand.

My take is that women need to wake up to the realities of purse carry.

If you watch the short news video in the above link you will find yourself giving yourself a double palm strike to the face. First when you hear about the woman shooting herself in the hand and again when you hear the eyewitness who is also a gun owner speculate that the discharge was due to a firearm having an external hammer.

(Don't believe me? Go watch the video.)

No, I don't know exactly what made that firearm go off but I have serious doubts it had anything to do with the firearm being hammered vs hammerless. I know guns well enough to know that the trigger being pressed is the #1 reason for discharges of any kind. #2 would be things getting inside the trigger guard that were never supposed to be there in the first place (which, when you think of it, is merely an extension of #1).

External hammer or not something got to that trigger. Period. End of story. Full Stop.

Every year I read a slew of stories like this. And every year I want to go shake some women.

If we women want to stop the stereotype that we don't know what we are doing when it comes to guns we have to hold ourselves to a higher standard and stop doing things that are irresponsible, dangerous and neglectful.

Yes. Leaving your gun in your bag where your child can access it is irresponsible. It is dangerous and it is neglectful.

Not having your firearm properly secured within that bag so that objects and fingers can't get inside the trigger guard is irresponsible. It is dangerous. It is neglectful.

And trying to shift blame onto something like an external hammer shows a lack of working knowledge of firearms that is, quite frankly, alarming.


I hate being overly harsh to people who have gone through tragedy when it comes to firearms. This woman is likely looking at a long road of recovery for herself and my hope is that her hand will heal with not a lot of lasting damage. She'll have to live with the scar as a reminder and be grateful that it wasn't worse, that her child is safe and no one else was injured.

Ladies, don't waste this story by ignoring it. Woman up and carry your gun on your body in a quality holster made for that firearm.

If you cannot or will not do that (for whatever reason). Get a gun purse. Get a holster for your gun that fits that gun purse and secure your firearm properly.

Then, keep that bag on your body and away from your children.

Stop being irresponsible. Stop being dangerous. Stop being neglectful.

What would be your recommendations for a gun purse?

Kids, Guns and Schools

When it comes to the subject of kids, schools and guns tensions start to rise. With school shootings seeming to happen more frequently and the terrorized knee-jerk reactions of politicians and frightened parents and teachers, never before have we seen children so punished for being children. Kids who talk about guns, draw pictures of guns, even point their fingers, bite pastries into gun shapes and wear gun shirts have been suspended, the police have been called, they have been expelled, punished, questioned to the point of wetting their pants and so on.

Our Son at 1 year with his first toy gun.

 The American parent is forced with a conundrum. What do I tell my child's school about guns and what don't I? Is it any of the school's business? Will my child be persecuted and his opinions be tainted because of the negative attitudes of staff against firearms? Will my child's teachers even care?

This is the first time I have had to ask these questions for myself because it is the first time I've put my child into school.

My son, who will turn five this year, is starting preschool this fall. While I desperately wanted to home school him I had to self evaluate and be honest with myself about my abilities to teach my own child at this stage in his life. I came to the hard conclusion that, as of right now, I am not the best person to teach him (for several reasons).

That being said, it should be a surprise to no one that guns are a very large part of my son's life. He sees guns every single day of his life. He makes everything (and I do mean everything) into a gun. He gets to play with trainer guns and toy guns. He knows how to identify the different parts of guns and anything that explodes makes his day. He begs us to let him go shooting with us and he's been to the range with us quite a few time to watch. He even demands to see our targets at the end of range sessions.

Of course he is not blind to what is on TV as well and his play reflects that. He talks about shooting bad guys and shooting down airplanes and every airplane toy he has is a combat aircraft that shoots any and everything which consequently explodes.

We continue to actively construct his play in a positive manner. We influence his morals in regards to firearms in that it is inappropriate to talk about killing people. However, I refuse to make him feel ashamed for liking guns. I will not attempt to reconstruct his entire idea of play in the few short weeks before he is off to school. I also refuse to construct an idea for him that his parents are ashamed of being gun owners by encouraging him to hide that part of his life when we are so open about it with him and so many others who we come in contact with every day.

I would also much rather be proactive than reactive.

At 2 years, learning how to load and unload a shotgun
with dummy ammunition.

His preschool teacher scheduled a home visit with me and our son and I fully intended to bring up the subject with her. If it didn't come up I would have brought it up and if she hadn't scheduled a home visit I would have sought her out to talk about the subject. I was (and am not) above going to the administration with my concerns and questions as well.

My intent was simple and two fold:
1) Inform them that guns are a part of my child's life and therefor can be expected to be talked about, drawn and mimed in school.
2) To gauge their response and to see if this was something that was going to cause problems for my son.

If this was something that was going to cause problems I would refuse to let him attend that preschool and I would find another that was more accommodating to his lifestyle.

I do believe in being modest about who you talk to about your firearms and I do believe in teaching your children to be modest about their firearms talk as well. I think it is important that children learn what is appropriate and not appropriate conversation in certain venues. However, in school, a place where they are encouraged to express themselves and where teachers are expected to get to know their students to better tailor their teaching to them, something as routine as a four-year-olds gun play is going to eventually come out. In which case, I'd rather it come out in a candid conversation between me and his teacher than through panicked, knee-jerk reactions to him constructing a gun out of legos.

At our home visit his teacher asked me if there was anything she needed to know about our son and his play. I openly explained that both my husband and I were firearms instructors. Guns are an every day part of our child's life and he talks about them and mimics play with them. I told her that he knows that talking about killing is inappropriate and can be corrected if that occurs. I expressed that in today's political/social climate guns can be a touchy subject and asked if that was a problem. She said no.

She thanked me for telling her. She asked if there were other things he would likely talk about like camping or fishing, favorite pets, and our conversation moved on to tornadoes. 

When I asked on my facebook page if anyone felt the need to discuss firearms with their child's teacher one commenter asked whether or not I felt it necessary to talk about the power tools in my home. While I agree that, to me, a firearm is no different than a power tool, it cannot be denied that the topic of Daddy's gun when brought up by a child in school is a whole lot more politically and socially charged than if that same child talked about his Daddy's power drill.

Some have expressed that it's not the teacher's business. Of course it's not the business of the teacher to know everything we own. But it is that teacher's business to get to know his or her student and to learn the interests and motivations of that child to help construct a learning program that works for that child. Knowing that a child has a great fascination and love for firearms would be on par with knowing that another child thinks he's Spiderman or loves bugs.

It's also the teacher's business to keep their children safe. Some teachers, driven by fear and the hyperbole regarding guns, believe the way to do that is to persecute and punish any child who talks about firearms.

Learning how to grip a handgun.

Having that kind of teacher for my son would be a recipe for disaster. He would be punished for the lifestyle his parents chose and for his loves and innocent play and that would be unacceptable to me. It would be a negative environment for him where he would not be able to learn and flourish. At worst it could negatively affect his opinion of me and his father because of our lifestyles. It would be irresponsible of me to put him in that environment. And the only way I would know what kind of atmosphere I would be subjecting him to would be to be open about it with his teacher.

As he ages and with every passing grade and with every new teacher (should we choose not to home school him or his sister) we will reevaluate any conversation we feel we might need to have with his teachers about firearms and their role in his life. If he moves on to enjoy other things then it's logical that talking about firearms and mimicking play with them will cease and there will be no need to bring it up once he understands that kind of thing is private. If, however, he chooses to compete in shooting sports, hunt or otherwise work with guns on a regular basis, I will be his advocate and do my best to insure his learning environments and teachers will not persecute him for those choices and interests.

I don't believe in being ashamed of being a gun owner and I don't believe in letting people who believe differently than me socially persecute my children to push their agenda and fear. Especially when I put them in a position of authority over my child.

The decision to make a proactive stance when it comes to my child's freedom to express his interests in firearms was the right decision for our family. It may not be for others and for a variety of reasons. And I respect that. Perhaps your family is not as passionate about firearms as ours is and your children do not have the same interests. Maybe you don't want your children to have interests in firearms and don't want them to talk about them or mimic play with them. Perhaps there is good reason for you to keep your firearm ownership a secret. Those are the decisions that you need to make for your own family and for your child's own education.

What about your family? Do you feel the need to take a proactive stance with your child's school regarding his (or her) interest in firearms?

Can You Afford More Training?

No one in the gun community talks about finances very much. Finances are very personal but one of the first things that gets brought up when talking about additional training, purchasing gear, ammo, practice and the like is the cost.

"I can't afford it," is the response of many. Especially when it comes to additional training.

It's not cheap. That's for sure. Especially if you need to travel to get that training. Double if you have more than one person in your home seeking quality instruction.

I've had people specifically ask me how we afford to go to the trainings we do and when I sat down at my computer last night to figure out the finances of another class I'm taking this fall I decided it would be a good time to talk a little about the financial side of it.

I'm no Dave Ramsey but I think I handle our finances well enough to keep us from getting nasty phone calls from bill collectors and to work us towards our personal and financial goals.

If I could sum up the financial side our firearms training into one word it would be budgeting. And budgeting far in advance.

We have a specific account we call our gun fund. If we aren't budgeting for anything specific we try to put enough into that account every month to cover 500 rounds of 9mm ammo. These days that's  about $150. No, we can't always make that. Sometimes we have to forgo putting any money into our gun fund due to unexpected expenses or emergencies and when the gun fund runs on empty we don't get to shoot. It's that simple.

Towards the fall of each year we start to pick the trainings we want to attend for the following year. We write them all down on a piece of paper, research how much they cost (class fee and ammo requirements) and then we prioritize what training we think we need to meet our shooting goals.

Our needs and training priorities are going to be different than yours but pick a goal and the classes that will help you toward that end. If you're not sure what classes will help you start asking around. You'll find a lot of people very willing to help you find the quality training you are seeking.

The next step is to see how many of those trainings we can afford in a single year. Usually that is no more than two. Especially if we have to travel.

Here's the average breakdown:

Class fee: 
Most intermediate to advanced classes cost between $300 and $500 a person (give or take). Some are much more than that and some are charged per day. I try to budget for each class specifically but if you're going to write up a mock budget I'd start with at least $400 allocated for class fee.

Ammo: 
Obviously, if it's a gun class you're going to have to bring ammo. Thankfully, for knife classes or medical classes, etc, you won't have this added financial burden but for gun classes you're going to have to purchase ammo. Some gun schools will have ammo that you can buy at a much cheaper price from the school itself and then you don't have to pay shipping. However, with the ammo shortage of late that's becoming more rare. Call the school you are interested in and ask. A lot of schools do not allow reloaded ammo so do your research. Ammo prices vary depending on caliber. A 1,000 round case of 9mm will run you about $320 (sometimes more in this time of ammo crisis). For other calibers it can be much more. Most classes require somewhere between 600 and 1,000 rounds. You usually won't shoot that much but it's better to have more on hand than not enough. And whatever you have left over you can save or use for practice or another class.

Hotel: 
Lodging is a big expense. Shop your travel websites like Hotels.com and travelocity. Call the school and surrounding hotels and see if they have any discounts for students of that school. Obviously, the longer the class the more nights you are going to have to stay and the more expensive it's going to be. At $80 a night for three days it's $240. Make sure they have a continental breakfast!

Gas/Travel:
These days it can be cheaper and more practical on your time to fly but when you add in rental it might just barely even out. Whether you choose to fly or drive budget accordingly. Shop for plan tickets as far in advance as possible as it tends to be cheaper the further out you book (unless you are booking for a time around any holidays). Again, shop your travel sites and look for bundling discounts like a flight, hotel and car rental. Do some quick math and figure out your MPG and how many tanks of gas you will need if you drive. Budget accordingly. We usually drive and I budget around $250 for gas.

Food:
You're going to have to eat. Depending on the number of people in your party, how much you eat and your pallet you can get away with a $40 budget or have to go with a $200 budget. Say it with me, "Subway is my friend!" A cooler packed with goodies from home is also an economical way to go.

Misc: 
Always budget for miscellaneous expenses. Whether it's the rain gear you forgot or a pair of underwear or some socks or a razor, there hasn't been a single class I've taken where I've actually remember every single item I should have brought. Maybe you found out that this class requires three extra magazines and you only have one or it requires a specific type of holster that you don't own. Maybe you're taking a FoF class and want to purchase an airsoft gun. I throw $100 into the budget just for misc expenses.

If you've been following along with a calculator you know that all rounds up to about $1,400 per class for one person. If there are two of you add the cost of another class fee and a little more for food and lodging and a plane ticket if you're flying. To be on the safe side I usually budget around $1,600 for one person for one class. $1,800 if it's going to be the both of us. No, it's not cheap.

Where can you cut corners?

• Find training schools near home where you don't have to get a hotel or fly. 
• Bring your own food. 
• Take a class that doesn't require ammo. 
• Make friends with someone near the school who will allow you to crash at their place for the duration of class. 
• Ask if it's possible for you to take only one or two days of a multiple day class (not to skip vital days, but perhaps to split the training up into more affordable and timely chunks (day 1 and 2 in one trip, day 3 and 4 the next, etc)).
• Be extra vigilant about making sure you have everything you need for the class and then some. 
• Go in a group so that you can share travel expenses and perhaps get a group discount from the school. 
• Call the school you're interested in and see if they have any traveling instructors who are going to be in your area. Keep an ear open at your local ranges and clubs for trainings that might be coming through. 
• Get some friends together, look for a facility near you and consider hosting a training group. Many of the big name schools will travel and often times the host gets to take the class for free! Win/Win!

Maybe this upcoming April you can allocate a chunk of your tax return to getting some sound instruction!

If you budget a year in advance, a $1,400 class will require you to put aside about $117 a month. If you budget two years in advance it's cut to about $59 a month. Since we try to put about $150 into our gun fund every month anyway, that covers the expenses of a gun class for one person with a little wiggle room. Everything I make usually goes toward more ammo as that is the biggest monthly expense we have in regards to our training, practice and matches.

Yes, we've sold guns to afford classes. We've sold accessories to fund ammo. We've put ourselves on some pretty strict financial rations so that we could keep our budgeting goals for upcoming classes. There have been times we've gotten a little financial boost and been able to pad the gun fund a bit. There have been times of economical drought where no money has gone into the gun fund for months. We've had to steal from the gun fund a time or two to pay bills. What's most important to us is that our bills get paid and our children have what they need. But our training is a priority to us. We know it has to be if we are going to keep our skills sharp and keep advancing. We can't do everything we want to do but we can plan ahead and budget for what we can do.

In the end it allows us to take some very awesome classes and get some amazing training.

These are hard times and some people have had to make some serious sacrifices. Some are not even able to live on what they are making and to them I have no advice. I know some people have had to sell their carry guns just to put food on the table. Adding the expenses of additional training is just not possible for them. I understand that. We've been there. It's an awful place to be. But for those who may find an extra $40 a month to see a movie or indulge in another hobby. Try setting some of that aside for some quality training. You'll be happy you did. 

What Do You Tell Your Pediatrician About Guns In Your Home

If you have kids you take them to the pediatrician. You have to fill out 1,000 forms just to get to the nurse and then answer 1,000 questions to get to the doctor who asks you the same questions the nurse asked you and you may or may not be on your way depending on the reason for your visit.

Of late there has been a trend popping up in pediatrician offices all over the place and that is the question of guns in the home. You may get it on a form or you may get it verbally asked to you by the pediatrician himself or both. The question might be stand-alone (like they were asking if you have lead paint in your home) or it could be more direct and depending on your answer can be grouped with other questions like, "Do you have a safe? Where do you store your ammunition?" etc. 

Just recently a mother messaged me and asked me what I advised to tell the pediatrician regarding gun ownership.

This topic has come up on Defensive Carry (a forum I frequent) and I've also done some searching around regarding the topic to better understand how it may affect me and my family if at all.

Make no mistake, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not like guns. Their own memos to pediatricians and parents advocate removing firearms from the homes where children are present and at the very least keeping the guns unloaded, locked up and ammunition stored separate. In the past they have been strong advocates for laws in states that require such storage measures.

They want pediatricians to advocate for removing guns from the home. They want them to encourage parents to ask other parents if there are guns in the home before they allow them to go to play dates. They want them to speak out about guns.

Of course, the truth of the matter is that there are some pro-gun pediatricians out there. They know that the average citizen is a responsible citizen and don't have a negative agenda regarding your gun ownership. I have heard of said pediatricians telling parents not to bother answering the question if it comes up on a form and will not ask in the office. They refuse to keep record of gun ownership.

Some pediatricians are totally neutral on the subject. They couldn't care less either way and asking whether you have a gun in your home is just another check box on the way to getting you out of there and on to the next patient.

And then there are some pediatricians who really have it out for your guns and will put you through the wringer if they find out that you do have a gun in your home.

So what do you do as a parent? Do you tell your pediatrician that you have guns in your home? If they ask should you answer truthfully?

I won't answer that question for you. I'll only tell you the perceived pros and cons of both sides of that coin and let you decide for yourself.

First, as far as I know, there is no legal obligation to answer any question on any particular medical form.

That is different if you are answering questions in regards to joining the military or seeking employment at a particular company or agency or when it comes to applying for insurance. The repercussions of withholding certain information or lying on forms for employment, etc vary by the employer, agency or insurance company and it is up to you to decide if that particular job or whatever is worth the question or not. Often medical questionnaires for employment or insurance do not include questions regarding firearms ownership.

In the civilian sector, however, you have no obligation to check yes or no to that box. If they press you to answer one way or the other, to my knowledge, you have every right to tell them it's none of their business.

And it really is none of their business. I thought long and hard about the possible benefits to telling your pediatrician you have a gun in your home and I couldn't come up with much.

The only possible positive I could come up with is if a parent is truly clueless about firearms and his or her partner were to bring a firearm into the home and they really had no clue how to safely store the gun. In which case the pediatrician is usually a poor source of information for that parent anyway. They often have no resources or better advice for individuals apart from telling that parent to get rid of the gun. If asked how, the pediatrician would likely not know other than to refer the parent to the police.

I would like to see them advocate contacting a local NRA certified instructor for information on safe handling and storage. I'm sure there are a few pediatricians out there who would do this but more often than not there is little discussion one way or the other on the subject and the parent goes away no better prepared to handle a firearm in the home than when they came in.


So what could be the down side of answering that question in the affirmative?


For starters, now there is a record. A searchable record at that. Almost everything these days is computerized and it wouldn't take more than a mouse click to see which patients have admitted to having guns in their home and which do not.

What could they do with this information?

They could make you feel uncomfortable. This may be minor to some people but it may be a big deal to others. No one wants to be made out to be a bad parent and having your pediatrician stand over you and berate you because you have a firearm in your home would certainly make some people feel belittled or perhaps even negligent of their children's safety. A mother or father who might not be comfortable with a spouses decision to bring a gun into the home might feel especially berated or even like a bad parent. The anti-gun pitch by the pediatrician being used as a tool to perpetrate an unreasonable fear of firearms in parents and children.

It could be used as a back-door registration. I'm not one for conspiracy theories but the government is not very good at respecting our privacy. As our healthcare system changes and gets more digitized and bureaucratic it's not at all a stretch of imagination to assume yours and your children's medical records can and will be viewed by some form of government at some point in time. There's also a lot of talk around the table about changes being made to HIPPA laws to allow more sharing of information between hospitals and agencies. There's no saying who might end up with that information in the future.

Why would they want to know if you are gun owner?

Will it come to the point where your seeking help for a mental or medical condition means a revocation of your Second Amendment rights? I don't know.

But they are already trying to do that to veterans. It isn't a leap of logic to assume it will be attempted in the civilian sector as well.

Will it get to the point where your coverage is affected due to your status as a gun owner? I don't know. But, again, there is no perceivable benefit to yours or your child's health by them having a "yes" checked off next to "Do you have a gun in your home?" in their computers.

I don't advocate lying to anyone. I certainly don't advocate lying to a physician about medical issues. I do, however, advocate using extreme caution telling anyone (including a physician) anything they don't have a need to know. If it's not relevant in treating the wellness of you or your child, omit it.

If you go to the doctor for a gunshot wound the question of gun ownership is relevant. If you go for a runny nose or a wellness check it is not.



Of course neither confirming nor denying their gun question is usually an confirmation of sorts. But if you have a strong ethical code against lying you might find refusing to answer the question the most palatable. Some even try to come up with clever ways to convince themselves they are not lying such as, "No." I don't have it in the home, I have it one me. It's up to you to decide how you want to answer that question.

My family has a long history of fighting with insurance companies over checked boxes on doctor forms and a long time ago my father warned me to be very careful about answering in the affirmative for any question regarding depression, head injuries, gun ownership or emotional issues.

That should never keep you from seeking medical attention for those conditions but you don't have to go check-happy on their intake forms.



Be aware that some pediatricians are going to great lengths to find out if you have guns in your homes. I have been made aware of a few cases of pediatricians questioning the child about guns in the home without the parent present. State laws vary as to the legality of questioning and treatment of minors without their parents consent. I challenge you to learn your own state laws so that you can be aware of whether or not your pediatrician can legally try to phish information from your child without your consent or knowledge.

In the end it's up to you to decide what you want to share with your child's pediatrician. If you haven't been asked by your pediatrician yet, be aware that it will probably come up at some time. Be prepared to have an answer. I've already gotten notes from parents who say they were so taken back by the question that they just blurted out, "Yes" and later regretted the decision to disclose. Be aware that the question will likely come and choose carefully how you would wish to answer it.

The Man Crutch

"When are you coming home? I want to go to the range."

This quote is real.

I said it.

I was barely twenty-one years old and hadn't been shooting very long. My husband was out of town on business and to that point I had never been to the range without him.

His response was pretty classic, "You know you CAN go to the range by yourself."

Of course I knew I could go to the range by myself. I even knew that eventually, with how much my husband had been traveling, in order for me to have any practice whatsoever I would have to go to the range by myself. The problem was that I didn't want to do it. Going by myself intimidated me. It scared me to think that I wouldn't be under his tutelage, that I would have to take full responsibility for all of my gun handling. I was new at this. I hadn't done much handgun shooting to that point.

I knew there would be a range full of guys watching me, maybe even asking me questions I wasn't able to answer. Maybe someone would even see my guns and would target me for them because I was alone. What if I had a malfunction I didn't know how to clear? What if I did terribly and everyone laughed at me? What if someone was mean to me?

I hid behind my husband and I darned well knew it. After all, that was kind of the point. I felt safe behind him. And we all like safe.

There were so many fears and what ifs and maybes that I could offload on him when he was with me but being alone meant that I would have to face them. 

And male or female, there is a certain amount of comfort in being able to say, "He told me to do it that way" if/when you screw up.

But I'd made a commitment to continuing to move forward in my training and I'd learned the joy, pride and sense of accomplishment that comes with facing one's fears.

So, I collected my things and headed to the range.

The range officers put me on the center lane, right in front of the window facing the store and watched my every move with a pair of binoculars.

I shook like a leaf. I had a knot in my stomach the whole time. I felt the eyes of the range officers burning into my back. I was self conscious. And, yes, I did terribly.

But I did it.

And the next week I did it again.

And the week after that I did it again.

Eventually the awkwardness went away and before long I was on a first-name basis with the staff. My shooting improved. My confidence improved. My gun handling improved. I was trusted with my own lane away from the window and a month later I was asked if I wanted a job. 

Stepping out on my own became a stepping stone to the rest of my entire life. If I never took that step I don't think I'd be where I am today. I don't think I'd be running off to gun classes and matches by myself and comfortable going up against men in any variety of self defense classes. I don't think I'd have been comfortable selling guns and learning my own style of shooting and carry. And I certainly don't think I'd be out there teaching!

Now, I look at the demographics of my followers. I know that 80% of them are male between the ages of 25-40. So..

• I'm going to talk to you guys first. 

And I'm going to tell you this:

It's okay to be a crutch. But don't let yourself become a wheelchair. 

My husband married a hot mess of a woman. And, bless his heart, he knew it and took me on anyway. Considering my issues with trust and self image and everything else it could have been easy to pass me by or to mold me into a woman who relied totally and completely on him for everything.

Some men like that. They like the idea of being so needed that their woman cannot function without them. Some women like that arrangement as well.

I'm not in the business of telling people how they should construct their relationship dynamics but it doesn't take much imagination to see how a dynamic like that could cause problems. Someone who is so reliant on someone else may not be able to defend herself. There are levels of dependance of course and we are all dependent on others at least to some degree (unless you are truly out there building your own home; growing, cooking and storing your own food; raising and slaughtering your own meat and so on) but there are some things that everyone should know how to do. Defending her or himself, I believe, should be on that list.

It's getting less common in this generation but even my mother admits to not knowing a thing about defending herself. "Your father has always taken care of us," she'd be quick to say. And while that is true and there is a certain amount of romance in the image of a man defending his woman and family there's not a whole lot of practicality in it, especially if the man isn't always present in the home.

But, pushing a woman to do something she is not ready to do can also cause contention. There are learning curves. There are times when she does need support. Throwing someone in the water (so to speak) and expecting them to swim may work in some cases, but in others the person just might drown.

So, my husband did a good job of being my crutch for as long as I needed him. He helped me learn the basics and guided me to finding resources beyond himself I could trust. He was always there to help but not above saying, "You can do this by yourself," when the time came. He didn't let himself be my wheelchair. He didn't let me rely on him completely and when it came time to have me take my shooting to the next level he took the crutch away.

Yes, it helped that he was out of town, but I have no doubt that eventually he would have encouraged me to step out on my own anyway. He married me knowing that he was going to have to be careful not to enable me. I had a tendency to hide behind the familiar and I was seeking someone who would challenge me. He took the roll seriously and has always excelled in pushing me to take on more responsibility, independence, personal strength and individuality.

There comes a time when, if a woman is serious about defending herself, she needs to step out from behind you, or her girlfriend, or her coach, or whatever crutch she is holding on to. 

Encourage her to that end.

Yes, you want to shoot, too. Yes, you want to make sure that she is safe. Yes, you want to be there to help her if she has any questions. Yes, you want to show her that you are supportive and will be there for her. Yes, you want to make sure she doesn't drop your $700 gun and get a huge scratch in the side. Yes, you want to be there to feel that sense of pride when she hits the bullseye at 20 yards for three shots in a row. I commend you for wanting to take an active roll in her training.

But eventually she has to do it on her own.

Back off and let her go by herself. 

Sign her up or let her to go to a class without you. 

Once she's demonstrated that she can follow the rules of safe gun handling, that she knows the workings of her firearm and that she understands the rules of the range, it might be time to sit back and say, "Honey, how about you take some time for yourself and go shooting without me? I'll even pack your range bag for you!"

If she doesn't want to, that's fine. Go with her, but take a less and less active roll in her shooting. Encourage her to troubleshoot on her own. Encourage her to get her own shooting lane and set up her own targets. Let her load her own magazines and work her own gear.

And then, when you think the time is right, encourage her to go by herself again.

You love her. You want what's best for her. That might mean letting her do her own thing.

I'll close this point and open the next with a story about my parents:

My father loves my mother and wants to protect her. He's always said that she needs to learn how to use a gun for self defense. This year he bought her a gun.

When I went home to visit my parents my mother asked me to show her how to use it. I took her down in the basement with her new gun and we had a very impromptu, dry-fire gun lesson. I taught her what a semiautomatic was versus a revolver. We went over grip and stance. We talked about sighting and trigger control.

My mother was really excited.

There was only one problem; my hovering father.

Every other sentence he would jump it, "Well, what you need to do is hold the gun like this," "Well, I think you should be able to sight like this," "No, no. You need to rack the slide like this."

No matter how many times my mother or I told him to leave us alone he would not back off. Yes, he wants my mother to be able to defend herself but the idea of backing away and letting her do it all on her own seemed like almost an affront to him and it was as though he physically could not leave her alone to learn separate from him.

She told me later that it was the first time in her life she felt like she was really getting it and that we'll have to try again when my Dad cannot interfere. I agree.

• But that leads me to my second point and that is to address the ladies!

Ladies, you can do it! You should do it!

If you are using your man as crutch for self defense or just for shooting, recognize you are doing it and then make a conscious decision to wean yourself off of him.

Make the decision to take a class without him. If he's like my Dad and can't seem to keep his nose out of your training then use an all female class as an excuse to ditch him for the day. If he won't let you go to a class or the range without him, even when you want to, then I'd say that you have some deeper issues in your relationship that you may need to address and are outside of the purview of this blog post.

Yes, it's okay to go with a girlfriend or just go and watch for the first couple of times. It's okay to ask questions and get help. But eventually you will have to just knuckle-down and step out by yourself.

Trust the knowledge and experience you have received to that point. Follow the four rules of safe gun handling and do it.

Yes, you may feel uncomfortable. Yes, you may feel intimidated or scared. It's okay. Think of it as mental training. Defending yourself is going to be uncomfortable. Probably even intimidating or scary. Learning to face those discomforts head-on is good practice.

• To the initiated, I say: Let her be! 

That's right, oh-helpful-range-officer. You, Captain America, who cannot resist trying to "help" every individual who happens to share the range with you (especially if she's a she!). You, the instructor who's just there plinking and cringing at her stance. Mr Critical who has some choice things to say about the gun she's shooting and how much you don't like its trigger. Unless you see something that is unsafe, close your mouth and leave her alone.

Let her take the steps to self-discovery.

She probably doesn't want your phone number. She likely doesn't need your advice. She certainly doesn't need your criticism. You're not doing her much good by making yourself available as another crutch. At worse you don't want to intimidate her into never coming back.

• Finally, I'd like to address the people who grab life by the horns!

You know who you are. You are the type of people who know no fear. Someone says, "Hey, you should try this!" and you jump in with both feet without a second of hesitation.

You didn't wait for someone to hand you a gun. You went to the range with no prior training or experience and without a twitch of doubt or worry you stepped up to the firing line and did it all on your own.

Good for you!

I've seen and worked with your type. You are some great people! People I secretly envy.

But you sometimes don't understand people who are inhibited by their fears. It's easy to look down on them. Make fun of them or even undermine them.

Careful! Acknowledge that it took some doing on your friend/girlfriend/wife/brother/mother/sister/whoever's part to get up and do something they weren't comfortable doing.

Encourage them!


Lastly, while I wrote this blog in a very gender biased tone I realize that the opposite is certainly true. Men can be just as intimidated by a solo range session as a woman can. And I realize it can be even harder for him to admit it. I've talked to more than a few men who have former military or law enforcement or just spouses that were raised in a more gun-friendly environment and is more than comfortable going to the range and shooting or carrying a gun and he is the one who is afraid to enter that world. It's easy for those men to feel embarrassed or belittled or intimidated because of it.

The same sort of encouragement applies.

The crutch doesn't have to be spouses. I have girlfriends who won't go to the range unless I'm with them. I am their crutch. And I'm okay with that for now. Some of them are very new. They like having me there to make sure they are safe and to reenforce good habits and encourage them. But my goal is to get them to a place where they are comfortable without me. I'm honored to help them along that road. 

This kind of hesitation can be applied to other areas of life. I'm putting myself through the uncomfortable process of facing my fears of the weight section in our local gym. I'm still very uncomfortable and, yes, I DID hide behind my husband the first time I went. I hid behind a girlfriend the second time I went. But I understood the need to get away from my crutches and face my fears and my third time was completely solo. My hope is that any future uncomfortable situation I face I'm able to plow into with even less hesitation. Maybe one day I'll be that fearless person!

So, in closing.....

Don't let yourself be a permanent crutch!
Don't use a crutch forever!
Don't make yourself a secondary crutch!
And Don't poke jabs at the person using the crutch!

Train Your Young Kids for Security

This isn't so much about guns as it is about security of young children in or around the first grade or younger category.

If I had a nickle for every time my son called me a mean mommy I'd have somewhere around a dollar or two. I am strict. I demand obedience. When I don't get it, I discipline. I don't negotiate with my children when it comes to matters of keeping them safe.

Some think I'm too strict. They think I don't give enough leniency to my children. I don't let them be kids.

I do let my children be children. They can go outside and play and make noise and throw toys and be the children they want to be... in certain venues.

When it comes to places I have not and cannot secure, however, I become mommy-bodyguard. And when a bodyguard takes on a client that client has certain rules he needs to follow in order to be secured. Even the president gets ordered around by Secret Service when it comes to security and so my children (son, 4 years old; daughter, 1 year old) have sets of orders they are expected to follow as well.

1. They should be quiet.
Not in the "children should be seen and not heard" sense but in the "no screaming and making unnecessary noise" sense. I love talking to my son and chattering with him when we are out and about but if he's screaming and making unnecessary noise he is a huge distraction from everything else going on. The same is said for my daughter. She's still quite young to understand being quiet but we're working on her. My son does very well.

If he wants to take a toy with him places it is a toy that doesn't make noise. When he talks, I expect him to use a conversational voice unless it is a true emergency. And then he is expected to scream bloody murder.

2. The busier the environment the closer they stay to me.
Again, my daughter is still young. She's walking now and enjoying her freedom but when out and about she still is mostly confined to a carrier, a cart or stroller. When not crowded I will let her walk around but only if she's holding her brother's hand. She doesn't always like her big brother holding on to her but I prefer it that way. Then they are together and I'm not having to split my attention in several directions.

And as it gets busier I will take my daughter and my son is told to stay with me. If he's having a hard time with distractions that will mean holding on to the shopping cart, my shirt or bag. Disobeying is met with discipline. I cannot risk the lives of my children because they couldn't obey me when I told them what to do.

3. They should leave if I tell them to leave. 
After reading the article Are Your Instincts Putting Your Child In Danger by Greg Ellifritz I realized that the instinct to collect your children to yourself may not be the best one. If in a confrontation you may be the one that is drawing violence that you do not want your children caught up in. At very least you may need mobility to move and act without your children hanging on to you or under your feet.

I know the idea of sending your child away when there is danger is completely opposite of everything a parent feels and I struggled to accept that concept as valid. But there is a logic to it that cannot be denied and it's imperative that your judgement in the matter be clear.

Are you being targeted or your child? Are there multiple attackers that could collect the child and use him or her as a human shield depending on which direction you send your child?

Something that has been talked about before is the difference between running from danger and running towards safety. A young child might not be able to distinguish the difference and so you may have to be very specific in your instructions to him or her.

If you have older children this might not be so scary. You can sit down with a fifteen year-old and explain what you expect of him or her and even trust him to look out for himself to a point. Telling a young teen to run out the back of the store and to lock himself in the car is not an unreasonable request nor should it be too difficult for him to accomplish. A four-year-old, however, or those with developmental delays can be a different story.

Young or delayed children may be confused by commands or too frightened to act on them. What we have practiced with our children is creating short distances. If you are in a store and pushing a cart or stroller, push the cart away from you and tell him to go to the cart or stroller. Pick a place in a store that the child knows and loves like the toy department or, in the case of our local grocery store, the bakery with the Thomas the Train cakes on display. While I would be loath to send my young child out of my sight it's better than him getting caught between me and a bad guy, especially if guns might be coming out.

This can become even harder for those of us with little ones still in arms and though I've consulted with Ellifrtiz on this topic we both drew a blank without more trial and error and I've come to the conclusion that some things don't have good solutions. You wouldn't want to drop your baby to fight as dropping a child can be just as damaging to him or her as any incoming violence. If you carry your baby in some sort of carrier you will likely not have time to remove him or her. If in a physical altercation your child will be in the middle of it.

My personal recommendation for people with babies in arms would be to increase your personal space and heighten your suspicion of those who get inside that space. I'd also recommend carrying a non-lethal tool such as pepper spray that is particularly easy to access. Clipped right to the baby carrier is a good start. In hand when possible is even better. This allows you at least to have a non-lethal option of some distance that will allow for some sort of defense that doesn't require physically tangling with someone with your baby in the middle or going to lethal options like guns.

I carry a combination kubaton/pepper spray canister on my keys which I keep in hand whenever I'm carrying my daughter. Even though I have a gun on my hip I already have a defensive tool in my hand. Even if approached with lethal force I can immediately pepper spray and buy myself a moment to get out my gun (if it's still needed) and/or get out of there.

And when it comes to guns, work, work, work your one-hand drills. 

4. They should get into car seats quickly and through the same door.
We all know parking lots are common attack points. And mothers loading kids into cars are pretty prime targets, especially if she has more than one and has to move around the car getting all of her kids into it. All the doors are typically unlocked and some open. You don't have to look hard to see stories or videos of criminals plopping themselves down in the passenger seats of unlocked cars while the owner pumped gas, loaded groceries or sat there surfing on a cell phone.

I prefer to have one location in which my children enter our vehicle so that I can funnel the access to the vehicle. When we approach our vehicle I unlock it with the key fob. Once all doors are unlocked I open the door through which my children will enter and then I immediately lock all of the doors. That way, should I have to slam the door I know my children will be safely locked in and no one can enter the vehicle through another door or even the door my kids just entered. I then clip my keys to person, mainly because I don't want to put them down on the backseat while strapping my kids in their seats and end up locking them in the car and myself out of it (been there, done that). 

When the kids are in the car I check around me before diving in to snap buckles. With only one child or a larger vehicle you can get in the car and shut the door while fastening straps as well, for those with multiple children or smaller cars that might be more difficult.

As my children age and are able to master sequences like getting into the car, locking the door and putting on a seatbelt this might change, but as they are young and still need a lot of help I prefer to keep access to the car as limited as possible. It also keeps me from having to worry about my kid running off into a busy parking lot while waiting for me to buckle in his little sister.

5. Talk to Strangers
WHAT?!?!

You heard me!

I teach my children to talk to strangers. Because if I'm on the floor, tangled up with some bad guy, I want my child to be comfortable approaching someone for help and identifying himself (more on that later).

Police officers are strangers. EMTs are strangers. Firefighters are strangers. Nurses are strangers. Doctors are strangers. And these are all people that I hope my child would be comfortable talking to if in need. So the key here is not to teach him not to talk to strangers but to talk to the least risky ones and what conversation is appropriate and inappropriate.

High-risk stranger: solo guy taking pictures of kids at the play ground.
Low-risk stranger: Mom pushing two kids in a shopping cart.

Appropriate conversation: Where's your Mom? Let's go find her!
Inappropriate conversation: Want to help me find my puppy? 


While down in Tennessee these last two weeks I had opportunity to go out to a lot of kid-friendly places like the zoo and different stores and eateries. The level of distraction and lack of control of some parents absolutely astounds me, not from a parenting stand-point (that's their own business) but from a security stand-point. If those parents needed to suddenly act in defense I can see little less than disaster ensuing.

Thankfully, having to defend yourself around your children is pretty rare. But that's what we're good at preparing for, isn't it?

Stay Tuned for Part 2: Other Things To Consider In Child Security

Why Aren't More Women In Advanced Classes

Kathy Jackson asked a question on her Cornered Cat Facebook Page. The conversation and subsequent question went like this:

"Sitting at dinner last night with several other well-known defensive firearm instructors, the conversation came around to women & firearms training. ... The instructors each had their own theories about why more gun-owning, gun-carrying women don't want to learn more about how to use a gun more effectively. After all, having better skills would be safer for them, their families, and any bystanders.

If you had been sitting there, what would you have told these guys? Why do you think more women don't sign up for the intermediate to advanced handgun classes?"

That's a pretty hard question and she got a lot of possible answers. Some suspected that it was because the classes weren't feminine enough or didn't cater to women enough or that there weren't pairs of women to make the other women feel more accepted in class, that it was a matter of finances, etc.

There certainly could be validity to those claims and many more. Just because I am a woman doesn't mean I have special insight into what motivates every woman out there (as I said in my blog I Can't Help Your Wife.)

I strongly believe that what might stop one women from attending an advanced class might not be what stops another. One might find money her tether to hold her back while for another it is lack female friendly (whatever that means) instructors or not having a girl friend to go with her.

Personally, I love advanced training and I keep going back for more. And, to share my dirty little secret, I don't mind that I'm the only woman in class. In fact, I avoid women-only classes and do not generally invite other women to come with me to trainings unless they feel they are ready.

Kathy asking this question made me ask myself, "Why?"

Starting a Shoot from Surrender

I had to think back to my own experiences. What has made me willing to do advanced classes? What makes me okay with being the only woman? Why don't I actively encourage women to come to classes with me?

After weeding through a few theories that didn't seem to logically pan out I fell on one experience that I think was a pivotal key to my breaking out in both my training and my mindset: my first time going to the range by myself. One of the most nerve-racking things I'd done to that date. It was the day I not only decided but actually took the step to take an individual responsibility for my training and to not let anything (including my fear, lack of confidence, appearance or lack of support or sexism) stand in the way of my training goals. 

I would ask other women with mindsets like my own to confirm if they felt the same way, but, unfortunately, there seems to be relatively few of us around (as evidenced by our numbers in advanced trainings).

I believe the problem may be confidence or the lack thereof.

1) Some women lack the confidence to step out on their own and try and even fail. 

Men and women can both have this same hangup but it seems to be more prevalent in women. We can tend to take it pretty personally when we make a mistake. When we take that shot and miss it's not just that we took a shot and missed it's that we are failures. We aren't good at this. It was a mistake to come here. He's looking at me like I'm a total idiot. He's probably wondering why I even bothered coming to this class. I'll never get this right. I shouldn't have even gotten out of bed this morning. My life is over!

Brushing off the small stuff and carrying on can be very hard, especially if you feel you are being scrutinized to a greater degree. It's very easy to feel an added scrutiny if you are an anomaly in the class--the only woman, perhaps? Being in a class of all women can make women feel like they can blend in and mistakes won't be so closely scrutinized because the woman does not feel singled out. Sometimes having only one other woman there can lessen that feeling of a spotlight being on your back.

2) They lack the confidence to be okay in an all male environment and let any perceived sexism go.

Another little secret: there isn't a single class I have attended where I am the only woman that I haven't felt that spotlight I talked about above. And it's not as though I can say it doesn't make me nervous or feel some kind of perceived added scrutiny. But the fact of the matter is that most of the time it's total bull crap. The guys don't care a VAST majority of the time and in a matter of minutes we're all laughing together and training together like there is no gender gap. Sometimes they even like having a woman because it gives them a chance to get used to sparring with or fighting a woman. Sometimes, when it comes to sparring I'm still treated like a little doll or I get the guy who says, "I can't hit a woman" or he's afraid he's going to hurt me because I'm so small. But when I start hitting him he eventually gets the clue or I just keep hitting him harder until he does. Yep.. I'm THAT mean.

Sometimes there's some sexism though. I've been in classes where men have made it very clear that they are upset that a woman is there. I've had men tell me some very sexist things that have made me very angry or embarrassed. Most of the time, if the instructor is worth his salt, he or she will put a stop to that before it even starts. But, unfortunately I've even had instructors say some very sexist things and it certainly has made me doubt myself. But what has kept me moving forward and going back is the fact that I am not doing this to get any kind of approval from men or any given instructor. I am doing this to learn how to fight. Period. Instead of letting my feelings get hurt I take what I can learn and I run with it. I leave the crap and am better for it.

3) They lack the confidence to be okay with getting dirty, ugly and having messy hair.

I bet there will be a few people who will scoff at that. Does it really matter to some women that they might get their makeup smudged while in an advanced class?

Girly going out the window

Absolutely!

Without going into a lengthy explanation of why, the truth of the matter is there are women who care more about their hair than their training and no amount of discounts or female support or accommodation by the instructors is going to get them to risk smudged mascara and a broken nail. Sure, you can get these women into basic classes where there is little risk of getting roughed up, but until they are willing to smudge some makeup for sake of training you won't have much success in getting them to turn out.

Does that mean a lady shouldn't care about her appearance? Of course not. I do my hair and makeup before almost every class I attend. That being said, of late, there hasn't been a class I have come out of where my hair hadn't gone through 100 different renditions after being tossed, pulled, rained on or stepped on. I lose most of my makeup on the shirts of people I am sparring with, sweat it off or, yes, get it rained off. I like going into the class feeling pretty because, yep, I am that girl. But I'm not there to look pretty. I'm there to learn and train and once the class starts pretty goes out the door. And I actually get a big kick out of how alerted my appearance can be at the end of a particularly good training. If I don't have a black eye, it's a good day!

And what happens when a woman (or man) who lacks confidence attends a class? She needs more time and attention. People and instructors spend more time trying to build her confidence than training.

Shooting along side the guys

There's nothing wrong with this. Anyone who has taught any kind of class from Yoga to firearms to basket weaving knows that there are those who need more attention and support. There are students who are genuinely frightened of a firearm who need to literally have you there and talking them through every single step of the firing process.

Men seem to get over that fear a little faster than women and can leave a basic class feeling pretty confident in their ability and ready to go try something new and a little more challenging. A woman, on the other hand, may not feel ready. She may feel better but she might never describe herself as being confident in her new skill. The idea of going on to more advanced training makes her protest that she's not ready for it. She's afraid she's going to hold back the rest of the class and be looked at negatively because she's going to be the one who's going to take time and attention away from other students. Especially if she was that student (or felt like she was that student) in a basic class. What she may not realize is that most instructors (if they are good) are prepared for all types of students and will help push them forward in a safe manner.

A woman who determines that she is confident in her ability to handle herself and her firearm is unstoppable. If she's determined to learn there should be nothing that can keep her back.

So, how do we get women to attend more advanced trainings? I don't know. I don't know what it takes to convince a woman she can do something she may not feel confident in doing. I know it wasn't easy for me to take that first step either but the first step was the hardest and they keep getting easier the more confidence I build.

There's nothing quite like the feeling of walking through a door and facing a group of men made primarily of police officers or military personnel and thinking, "I belong here. Me, the housewife and mother, I belong RIGHT HERE! Kicking the shit out of and out-shooting these guys." I may not always out-shoot or out-fight the guys, but one thing is always true... I belong there.

And, ladies, you do too!

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